Key 1 – Holding Hands

Holding Hands, Key #1 of the “6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication”

“When you hold hands, you can’t hit each other!” That is what one young husband said to me during counseling. Maybe it would have been a good title for Key #1 in this series.

Think about it for just a moment. What does a simple thing like the physical touch of another person’s hand signify? In many cultures, we seal or approve contractual relationships with a handshake. It is a way of saying, “We are in agreement.” Many marriage ceremonies include some type of a hand-holding ritual. It is a way for the couple to express their ‘uniting’ or becoming one.

When Renee and I need to have an important discussion, we begin by sitting down facing each other and then reaching out to hold hands as we talk. Now I know that you might be reading this, and are ready to ‘click away’ – thinking that this is just silly or overly simplified. Its not!

There are specific reasons for including holding hands
as a tool in your chest of effective marital communication techniques.

Renee and I use this key in our own marriage. We have taught numerous couples to use it over the years. It works. When you communicate with your spouse about a sensitive or emotional subject, it is easy to ‘withdraw’ from each other when the ‘talking gets tough.’ You might still be in the same room, but you become miles apart emotionally when something hurtful or embarrassing is said. Holding hands during the discussion will allow you to sense when this happens. Maybe your spouse is becoming angry, or ready to retreat. Holding hands allows you to be more sensitive to the discreet signals that arise during a conversation when one spouse is uncomfortable.

Each of us has learned to ‘feel’ the other’s non-verbal responses during our discussions and this has opened the door wide for effective communication between us. When one of us feels the other gently pulling away, it signals us to ask, “What are you feeling right now?” or, “Did I say something that hurt you?” This allows us to ‘pull’ each other back into the conversation in a non-threatening way. It also provides a better understanding of what the other is feeling.

It is very difficult to become angry when you are holding hands with your spouse. Try this key. Use it during your next discussion. I believe that as soon as one of you feels angry or hurt, you will want to let go of each others hands. It seems really simple, but it is a technique that will really help you to talk to your spouse.

There are just a few other suggestions to keep in mind while learning to use this key:

• If one of you lets go of the other’s hand, stop to find out why. Don’t allow the conversation to deteriorate when one of you is experiencing an emotional jolt.
• Don’t force the hand holding. If your spouse is not comfortable with it, then try to begin using the technique in short little discussions until you both understand the value of it and are comfortable.
• We have found that sitting at the kitchen table is a great place to do this because we can rest our arms on the table, hold hands, and look at each other while we speak.
• You can use this key at home, or even at a restaurant. We have had some great conversations, even ‘tense’ ones, sitting in a booth at our favorite restaurant after dinner. We are usually relaxed and have found this to be a ‘neutral’ place, away from kids and the phone.

So what are you waiting for? Pick a topic that you and your spouse need or want to discuss, sit down facing each other, join hands, and … TALK!

These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are condensed from a chapter of our forthcoming book: MARRIED … AND ENJOYING IT! (30 Years of Marriage Enrichment Secrets)

If you would like to be one of the first to be notified when the book is released, just CLICK HERE

 

If we can be of any help to you, please let us know. We are available to answer your marriage questions and would love to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below and lets discuss this important key to Effective Marriage Communication.

Tomorrow – Key 2, Think Before You Speak

For better marriages!

Chuck