Key 2 – Think Before You Speak

Think Before You Speak, Key #2 of the “6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication”

“I hate it when YOU do that!” With those words, the argument began. Other poorly chosen words flew from your mouth and before you knew it, the couch became your bed for the night.

Your were sorry. You wish you hadn’t become so angry. You needed so badly to talk about what was really bothering you, but just didn’t know how to begin …

And therein rests the problem. You love your spouse. You don’t want to argue. You just want to be happy!

Most couples are never taught how to express deep emotional needs in non-threatening ways. When first married they believed they would never argue because their spouse was the ‘perfect mate.’ Then time worked its inevitable magic and they began to see the ‘real person’ behind that mask they called their spouse. Kids arrived. Work added pressure. Finances tightened. Both husband and wife wanted to share their feelings – wanted to express their worries – wanted to support each other.

You need so badly to talk about what is really bothering you …
you just don’t know how to begin.

When the conversation began, “I’m worried about how to pay the bills.” sounded like, “Why can’t you make more money?” And, “I really need to talk to you.” sounded more like, “We don’t ever talk anymore!”

The problem is that we express our feelings without thinking about the best way to form the words. Our spouse hears the words (often filtered through guilt mixed with stress and worries of their own) and responds in kind. Tempers flair. Constructive communication quickly deteriorates into defensive posturing. When the words finally stop, the tears flow or the door slams, and the marriage relationship slides closer to a dangerous precipice.

THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO HAPPEN!

By using the first key (see “Holding Hands, Key 1″) and learning to “think before you speak” (Key 2) you can be well on your way to great marriage communication.

Here’s how:

• Use “I” language instead of “You” language.
  Instead of saying, “You never listen to me!” try something like, “Sometimes when we talk, I don’t feel like you understand what I am saying.” This simple selection of words allows your spouse to “hear” you, without feeling challenged and becoming defensive. She/He really does want to listen to you. She/He really does want to understand your feelings. By changing just a few words in your sentence, you effectively express your point of view without it sounding like an ‘attack’.
• Speak slowly.
  Don’t be afraid of silence or a lull in the conversation. These moments give you time to think and process what you will say next. Your spouse will realize that you are not on the offense, because you are carefully trying to choose your words so they won’t sting. You might even want to say, “I’m thinking of the right way to say this.”
• Smile (or at least don’t frown ).
  Your body language and facial expressions are speaking volumes. Make sure that your words are saying the same thing.
• Listen to your spouse’s hands and eyes.
  (You are holding hands aren’t you?) If your spouse pulls away or avoids looking at you, asume that communication has stopped and draw her/him back into the discussion. You can ask a question such as, “Did I say something that hurt you?” or “What are you feeling right now?” in order to help them ‘tune back in’.
• Don’t get angry.
  You can express your emotions without destroying communication. Consciously control your tone of voice. It is actually easier to say, “I was hurt by those words.” than it is to raise your voice and say something hurtful back, without thinking first.
• Don’t be afraid to shed a few tears,
  or to let your spouse do so. This can be a healthy ventilation of pent-up emotion, and another expression of your willingness to listen. If you are not sure why your spouse has a few tears welling up – ASK! It will help you to understand exactly what they are feeling at the moment. It might be an emotion that you were not even aware of. Many times during the past thirty years, Renee or I have said, “I see a few tears, what are you feeling right now. Help me to understand.“

Are you willing to try it out? It is much easier than arguing. You might even find out that you like it. Soon you will find that you are both happier and you will learn things about each other that you never knew. So pick a topic – something light to start out – and practice Keys 1 & 2 – do it soon!

Oh, and let us know how it goes!

These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are condensed from a chapter of our forthcoming book: MARRIED … AND ENJOYING IT! (30 Years of Marriage Enrichment Secrets)

If you would like to be one of the first to be notified when the book is released, just CLICK HERE

 

If we can be of any help to you, please let us know. We are available to answer your marriage questions and would love to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below and lets discuss this important key to Effective Marriage Communication.

Read Key 3 – Choose The Right Time
Read Key 1 – Key 1, Holding Hands

For better marriages!

Chuck