Key 3 – Choose The Right Time To Talk

Choose The Right Time To Talk, Key #3 of the “6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication”

Does it really matter ‘when’ you talk? YES! This next Key is a vitally important part of successful marriage communication. Trying to ‘talk’ with our spouse in the “heat of battle” almost never works and usually results in hurt feelings miscommunication.

I’m certain that most couples have made this mistake at least once. You know how it starts. One spouse harbors anger or frustration about an action or habit of the other. Maybe she/he has tried to talk about it before, but for whatever reason, wasn’t successful in expressing the right feelings.

Then it happens… the action or habit occurs again and the gloves come off. The pent-up emotions pour out like an overturned pitcher of water.

When this happens it seems almost impossible to calmly and rationally discuss our feelings. We don’t take the time to initiate Keys 1 & 2 (Holding Hands and Thinking Before We Speak) and instead we just begin to ‘dump’ on the other person.

Couples in happy and growing marriages have learned to suppress the
‘anger of the moment‘ and know the value of “choosing the right time to talk.”

*Note for New Readers: When using the word “talk” here, I am not referring to common or daily conversation(s) with your spouse. Instead, I am referring to specific times of communication when you need to discuss or handle a topic or subject that is highly emotional or difficult for one or both spouses to work through.

When choosing a time to talk, here are some suggestions that Renee and I have found to work for us:

• Never talk when you are tired.
  This is basic, but very important. When I am tired, I can’t listen as effectively and I’m not as adept at framing my words in the correct way (see Key 2). It never hurts to delay an important conversation until both spouses have had adequate time for rest.
• Never talk right before Bed.
  While this suggestion sounds similar to the one above, it isn’t. As a general rule, bedtime is not a good time for important conversation. Yawning while your spouse is talking can be dangerous! We have found that morning is a great time for us and that when we are fully rested from a nights sleep, our whole outlook on life seems improved. It is easy for intense discussion at bedtime to leave your mind racing, making it more difficult to sleep and easier to worry.
• Never talk in front of others.
  Many struggling couples make this mistake. Your discussions should take place at a time where you can both find privacy and not feel intimidated by the presence of family members or friends. If you feel the need for someone to assist you in your discussion, seek out the help of a Pastor or other trained counselor. They will keep the conversation private and can help you to stay focused and ‘on-topic’. We know of many friendships that have been ruined when a couple had a serious discussion in front of a mutual friend who seemed to support one spouse against the other.
• Never talk when you have an appointment or pending engagement.
  Always give yourself plenty of time to talk. What you thought might take one half hour can easily turn into a two or three hour conversation. If you have something to do at a certain time, you might have to stop the conversation before you are really finished – and you’ll find it hard to start up again later. It can be aggravating and a detriment to effective conversation if you are constantly looking at your watch or the clock while your spouse is talking.
• Finally, establish a pre-arranged signal that both of you can use to let the other know when you are not ready emotionally to talk.
  It is vital that both spouses are ready when you sit down to talk. If your spouse has a bad day at work or is not feeling well, then she/he can use this signal to let you know: that they understand that you need to talk; that what you have to say is important; and that they promise to sit down in the near future and discuss it with you.
  Just recently Renee and I needed to discuss an important matter that we were facing. Renee brought up the issue, but I was not in an emotional state to handle the discussion very well at that point and time. Because we trust each other, and know how to ’signal’ when we need to wait, we were able to postpone it until the next day when we were both ready, and we came to a resolution quickly and easily.
  Just make sure that if you ask your spouse to ‘postpone’ a discussion, that you make time for it as soon as possible. It is important not to use this signal as a way to just keep putting off a conversation.

Well, we are halfway through the 6 Keys to Great Marriage Communication. We have learned to Hold Hands when we want to discuss an important subject. We learned that to “Think Before We Speak” will allow us to talk about even difficult issues without hurting our spouse. And today we have learned that it is important to “Choose The Right Time” to have these discussions.

Have you been practicing? It is much easier than arguing. Practice does make perfect in communication!

Write to Renee and I and let us know how its going.!

These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are condensed from a chapter of our forthcoming book: MARRIED … AND ENJOYING IT! (30 Years of Marriage Enrichment Secrets)

If you would like to be one of the first to be notified when the book is released, just CLICK HERE

 

If we can be of any help to you, please let us know. We are available to answer your marriage questions and would love to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below and lets discuss this important key to Effective Marriage Communication.

Read Key 4 – Learn To Listen
Read Key 2 – Think Before You Speak

For better marriages!

Chuck