Key 4 – Learn To Listen

Learn To Listen, Key #4 of the “6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication”

We don’t always hear the same words that our spouse speaks. Anyone who has been married for longer than a week, probably already knows this.

It is easy to listen to someone else speak, without really hearing or comprehending their words. If you don’t want to take my word for it, just picture the interaction between a man watching his favorite team on TV and his wife who has just entered the room. The conversation might sound something like this.

Wife: “Honey, I invited George and Nancy over for dinner on Monday night.”

Husband: “Okay.”

Wife: “Then I thought we could play some cards afterward, or maybe go to a movie.”

Husband: “Okay.”

Wife: “I told them you would barbecue hamburgers on the grill.”

Husband: “Okay”

Later that night …

Wife: “Can you pick up some buns on your way home from work tomorrow?”

Husband: “What for?”

That conversation might seem a bit extreme, but I know that it, or one very similar, occurs in homes across the country each day. Did the husband ignore his wife on purpose? No, probably not. Did the wife choose to talk during the game, knowing that her husband would agree to just about anything? No, probably not. The most likely cause for this ‘conversations’ demise was simply poor timing. Unfortunately, the poor timing resulted in miscommunication because the husband was not ‘really’ listening to his wife.

In todays multimedia world, there are many voices scrambling for our attention.
Unless we are careful to listen to each other, it is very easy to leave our spouse
with the impression that what she/he has to say is not really a priority for us.

Key 4 is ‘Learning To Listen’. We have compiled a simple list of suggestions to help you implement this Key. They are:

• Be patient and take your time.
  When you and your spouse sit down for a serious discussion, try to clear your mind of distractions and don’t be in a hurry. When we are in a hurry, we project a sense of urgency into our words and body language that subliminally project thoughts like, “I’m too busy for this.” and “What you have to say is not important to me.” Oh, we might not say those words, but the message is being sent out clearly. The opposite is also true. When we sit down and hold hands, tuning out everything but our spouse, we are sending clear signals, “I want to be here.” and “What you are saying is very important to me.”
• Don’t think about your response while your spouse is still talking.
  Stay focused on what your spouse is saying. Look directly at her/him. Don’t interrupt. Allow her/him to express their feelings without being rushed. This will give them the time to choose their words and speak in the most effective manner possible.
  When we try to formulate our response while our spouse is still speaking, we usually fail to hear everything they are saying. We tend to rush back in to the conversation without fully hearing everything that our spouse wants to say.
• Take notes so that you can remember key points for discussion later.
  Yes, take notes! I know it might seem silly, but we have found that having a piece of paper and a pen handy allows us to write down an important thought that we want to discuss, without interrupting our spouses train of thought. I often write down a word or two while Renee is speaking, especially if I have a question about some part of what she said and I don’t want to forget to ask it later.
  Having pen and paper handy also allows us to compile a list of ‘action items’ that sometimes arise during the conversation. This is a great tool for following through on commitments we make to each other.
  • Remember to throw away these notes when you are through. Don’t allow them to become future weapons such as, “Well 3 weeks ago you said,,,”
  • Its okay to keep the list of action items.
• Repeat what you ‘think’ you heard.
  Try to repeat back to your spouse the content of what she/he said, but using different words. This shows your spouse that you understand, and also gives them a chance to clarify anything that was missed or misunderstood. It will give you time to gather your thoughts for a response and might allow your spouse the opportunity to rephrase or restate an important point for clarity.
  • To ensure clarity of understanding and to give yourself time to ‘frame’ your response.

Married couples have many different types of conversations. These 6 Keys are specifically for those conversations that include difficult, stressful, of emotional content and/or topics. These topics can include finances, children, work, household responsibilities, sex, and many others. The Keys have been developed during our 30 years of married life and have helped Renee and I to grow together. Our discussions have been tools for closeness instead of becoming material to argue about. We hope you will practice and use these keys to enrich your marriage.

Write to Renee and I and let us know how its going.!

These ‘6 Keys for Great Marriage Communication’ are condensed from a chapter of our forthcoming book: MARRIED … AND ENJOYING IT! (30 Years of Marriage Enrichment Secrets)

If you would like to be one of the first to be notified when the book is released, just CLICK HERE

 

If we can be of any help to you, please let us know. We are available to answer your marriage questions and would love to hear your thoughts. Post a comment below and lets discuss this important key to Effective Marriage Communication.

Read Key 5, Plan When To Talk
Read Key 3 – Key 3, Choose The Right Time To Talk

For better marriages!

Chuck