Who Wears The Pants?
Posted by Chuck on September 18, 2009 · 2 Comments
In our marriage, “I (Chuck) wear the pants.”
Okay, maybe we don’t hear that term used much any more. It is from a time past when men wore pants and women wore dresses (or perhaps a skirt and blouse). Growing up during this period, I heard the term used by husbands when they would gather with other men to discuss important things. These meetings usually coincided with times when ‘the wife’ was out shopping, attending a ladies social, or visiting her sister for a few days. You see, men weren’t allowed to mingle unless the current “hubbie-do” list was empty and the ‘little woman’ was otherwise engaged. (Yes, my tongue is buried deep now in my cheek.)
Men thusly gathered, would take turns trying to out-do each other - bragging about their jobs, their sons, their score on the back nine, and when/if the subject came up, their wives. Proudly displaying a burst of courage and control, you would eventually hear one of the men say, “Well, I wear the pants in my house!” He would, of course, be infering to the others that he was in control in his home and that his wife and children knew that he was the boss.
Glancing around to make sure they were alone, the other men would chime in with “me too”, “thats right” and the occasional “amen!”
- It was a right of passage.
- A declaration of freedom.
- A man thing.
But what did it really say about marriage? Not much!
Successful marriages have always contained some form of shared authority. If you don’t agree with me, just ask my wife (Renee). (tongue again)
“Strong marriages are built by couples who work together to establish
the default authority for each area of their relationship.”
The ground-rules for the following decisions, and hundreds like them, are established in the early days of marriage. Then they are usually re-visited as necessary during lifes ever changing events:
- Who will handle the money?
- Who will be the disciplinarian for the children?
- How will decisions about daily challenges be made?
- How will the weekly chores be divided up?
- etc., adinfinitum
Anyone who has known me for very long has probably heard me say, “I wear the pants in our family – and I count on Renee to tell me which pair.” 
So, with tongue back in place… Authority in marriage is a shared resource and discipline. Neither spouse is superior to the other. Work side by side this week and it will enrich your marriage! And Renee – thanks for laying my pants out this morning!
Blessings!
Chuck
If my husband is bent on controlling and being in charge of things and not getting my input on much, where does that leave me? If he is constantly putting his male friends high on his priority list and neglecting his family to cater to them and their families because he is the head of out household, but more importantly the head of that male group and feels he has that right and obligation. How do you suggest that I stop telling others when I have patiently waited for a change and he throws in the occasional “I don’t want to have sex” for weeks at a time? I need help. We do.
Hi Daphne,
Thank you for your candid comments. It is very difficult to get any relationship to changew when only 1/2 of it is doing the work – but it is not impossible. Before I write more, I would like to offer to send you a reply via E-mail if you would like – to protect your privacy. I am happy to converse with you either way – here on the blog or via E-mails, so please just let me know.
Blessings,
Chuck