Too Late To Change?

I wonder how many brides and grooms have stood at an altar repeating, “I do” while secretly pondering the changes that would be necessary to create the ‘perfect mate’ from the piece of clay standing next to them? I also wonder if any have succeeded.

Obviously it is important for each of us to be willing to change as we begin a new relationship.

This is especially true of marriage. Successful marriages often depend on one spouses’ willingness to adapt to both the little – and often not so little requests and wishes of the other. After the honeymoon is over and we settle down to our new life, we often realize that there are some things we didn’t know about this person that we chose to spend the rest of our life with.

I recall one REALLY SIGNIFICANT change that Renee and I faced in the first few weeks of our marriage. We had both grown up in families that were diametrically at opposite ends of the scale when it came to this issue. It’s importance can’t be downplayed …

Now that might seem silly, but it was important to Renee and I. One of us was going to have to change. It is amazing how many little habits we pick up through the years. We do things a certain way. We say things a certain way. We respond in a certain way. And of course, our way is the right way – right?

While this might remind you of Dr. Seuss’ Butter Battle Book; and the struggle over which side of the bread to butter; it was an issue over which we had to come to an agreement. If memory serves, I think I initially turned the roll the correct way in the holder each time I visited the restroom. I was sure that if I did this enough, Renee would realize the error of her ways and my troubles would be over. That didn’t work. Upon my subsequent visits to the restroom, I would find that the roll returned to it correct position (according to Renee).

I’m not sure how long this silent battle of the wills continued, but I know the spring inside the rod (in the holder) was getting weak by the time I finally gave in and allowed my will to be broken

For the past 29 years now the toilet paper rolls in our house have all hung ‘properly’ and there has been peace in the family. While this little example is obviously not intended to downplay the importance and seriousness of many of the changes that take place in a couple’s married life, it does bring out some important issues:

• changes are required in the habits, actions, and attitudes of married couples
• good marriages become stronger as these changes are dealt with
• many of the issues requiring change are not about right and wrong, but simple matters of habit
• while many changes and adjustments are made during the first year of marriage, most marriages continue to experience changes and adaptations as the couple moves through life’s normal flow 

Finally, it is never too late to change – if you truly desire to improve the quality of your marriage.  Is there an action or habit that seems to always irritate you or your spouse?  Make a new effort this week to change it.  Your spouse will appreciate it and you might even find that he or she is suddenly willing to change something for you, also.

Blessings!

Chuck

What Are You Thinking About?

Simple question.  Just 5 little words.  But they hold the power to improve your marriage and enhance your relationship with your spouse. Go ahead… ask her. Really!

More than 29 anniversaries have come and gone since I first asked Renee (my wife) that question.  I have likely repeated it thousands of times over the years.  Her answers have ranged from silly to profound and certainly everything in between.  Sometimes I catch her daydreaming in a far off place.  Other times her answer has been accompanied by:

• a tear in her eye,
• a grin on her face,
• a mischievous wink and a smile,
• and sometimes a flushed set of cheeks (when she has been wondering why grass is green, etc.)

One of the foundational keys to a successful marriage
is how well each spouse knows the other.

When we first fall in love, it is often said that we are “in love with the idea of being in love.” But anyone who has been married for awhile understands that to stay ‘in love,’ a married couple needs to be growing together.

It is surprising how many couples quit talking through the years.  All of us have heard someone say, “we just don’t talk anymore.”  Unfortunately, this statement often precedes a breach in the marriage relationship. All it takes is a friend or co-worker who will talk… and listen intently.  This can easily lead to other, more harmful actions.

So, why not take it for a spin?  Next time you sit down for a meal or take a drive to the store with your spouse, look them in the eyes and ask, “What are you thinking about?”

The answer will enrich your marriage…

It might make you chuckle.  It could suprise you.  You might even be caught off guard with an answer that begins a whole new discussion theme.  Days and even weeks worth of follow-up thoughts and questions might follow.

Many of the really quality and formational conversations between Renee and I have begun by the use of those 5 simple words. A few important ground rules to wrap this up:

1. Always make sure you have time to talk.
2. Always make listening your top priority.
3. Be ready to laugh together when the answer is ‘off the wall.’
4. Be honest – both when you ask and when you are asked.

Towards better conversations,

Chuck

The First Couple

Recently NEWSWEEK published an essay by Andrew Romano entitled, “Our Model Marriage“.  In it he wrote, “The Obamas have the kind of relationship millenials aspire to.“

Regardless of your personal political affiliation, isn’t it nice to be able to read an article about our President (or any politician for that matter), which isn’t revealing an abnormal sexual preference, obscene behaviour,  or extramarital affair?  President and Michelle Obama continue to publically reflect the good and solid aspects of marriage.

The President and First Lady appear genuinely in love and not afraid to express that love and devotion before our nation, nor the multitude of cameras and reporters that constantly follow their lives.

Their example comes at a time when other news reports splash the bizarre details of Jon and Kate Gosselin’s very public divorce.  Similar articles during the past year have revealed the shameful actions of Senator Larry Craig from Idaho in a public restroom; and former presidential candidate John Edwards’ affair and “love child”.

Thank you, President & Mrs. Obama, for shining a beacon of hope on the beauty and covenant of marriage. May your example encourage this generation of ‘millenials’ (and all of us) to wait for their true life-time spouse who can “grow old with them (me) for the best is yet to be.”

Blessings!

Chuck

Welcome … to Marriage Moments!

We are both so glad you stopped by!

After returning to Kansas from a week at the New Mexico District Family Camp held at the beautiful Bonita Park just outside of Ruidoso, Renee and I have been really busy preparing our new web site and blog.

Marriage Moments is the result of years worth of life, and planning.  We have both dreamed of being able to help others experience the best possible marriages.  If that sounds like a challenge to you, or if you find that it is also an inner desire of your own, then this is the place you should be.

In the coming weeks and months you will find helpful articles containing ideas for enriching your marriage.  We are also roaming the web looking for great resources and tools that we can pull together in one place – just for you.

Chuck is staying busy writing several books and preparing premier content that we will be releasing here soon. We will be adding to our blog every day, so be sure to subscribe to our mailing list or use our RSS feed so that you won’t miss out on anything.

Blessings on Your Marriage!

Chuck & Renee

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